Even when we want to change, change is often difficult. Friends and family are full of well-meaning advice, but it is rarely helpful. Therapy leverages the dynamics of unconditional acceptance in a human-to-human connection. When we feel completely supported, change can really happen. Good therapy provides a nonjudgmental and emotionally nourishing environment that is conducive to growth. Only when we feel completely safe and completely accepted can we consider our situation from new perspectives, gain new insights into ourselves, and even discover our blind spots, without being burdened by a sense of loss, wrongness, or failure. Therapy provides that safe space. Vulnerable people put on armour. The magic of therapy is it is a safe place to take off the armour so that the wounds can be examined and treated.
The therapeutic relationship is different than friendship or coaching. To use a metaphor, a lot of us are running around asking everyone, “How is my hair? Does it look okay?” Everyone tries to give helpful advice, telling us to push our hair this way or that way, to cover it or to cut it. What an effective therapist does is say, “Here, look in this mirror.” Most people, once they see themselves, will immediately know exactly what to do and how to handle their problems.
The fields of neurobiology, sociology, and psychology have independently come up with explanations for why we are the way we are, why we feel the way we feel, and why we behave the way that we behave. Over the last decades, these fields have united into a common model, called the biopsychosocial model. Evidence shows that about one third of our emotions, thoughts and behaviour come from genetic predispositions, about one third from our environment (particularly our family of origin), and about one third from our psychology. The hard truth is that we may not be able to control our environment, and we almost certainly cannot choose our biology. We can, however, make conscious choices about our psychology—how we think, feel, and act. These are the areas of focus in effective therapy.
Most people develop problems in their emotional functioning or in their relationships when they are stuck in a default mode that used to work, but is no longer working. Therapy can help a person to discover what those patterns are, help them make new choices, and to find new ways of being. Even small changes can have a ripple effect that helps people change larger unwanted patterns. Whether a person is struggling with grief and loss, with relationship problems, with depression, with addictions, or with almost any emotional, cognitive, or behavioural issue, therapy can help.